


The Year I Let My Heart Lead Me

by erin_babbit



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-15 21:24:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erin_babbit/pseuds/erin_babbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Back Home Again

** MAY **

                The sun is warm on my shoulders as I sit by the pond in the woods. The pages in my science book flutter from the light breeze. Spring is here and so are my exams at 12th District community college.  My second year has come and gone just as the first one did: quiet and uneventful. My cell phone buzzes in my bag. It’s my alarm telling me to get my ass in gear and head to work.  I haphazardly put my book and papers into the pretty printed messenger bag my sister, Prim had gotten me for my twentieth birthday a couple of weeks ago. She had spent the last of her well- saved stash on it. A gift to insist I get rid of the backpack I had carried all through high school and on into college. I smiled at her effort to make me more stylish. Even though I was older, she was the well-put-together, kind, smart and lovely one. I stammered when I talked, chewed on my hair and was most comfortable in jeans.

                As I made my way to our back deck from the woods, I could hear Prim’s voice carrying through the open windows. I walked in to find her chatting and scribbling notes inside her planner at the table. She waved and smiled and I kissed her on the top of her head. I dropped my bag and run to change into my work shirt and pull my dark hair up into a neat ballerina bun. I’m back in the kitchen in time for her to hang up the phone.

                “Really, Prim? A planner? You’re sixteen.”

                “Shut up. Some of us like to have things written down somewhere and not just floating around in their heads.” She continues scribbling, “I think I might have found a summer job” she says, not looking up.

                “Really? Where?”

                “An ice cream shop on Main Street called Sprinkles. Cheesy but perfectly easy.”

                “Only for the summer now, little duck. Back to the books when August rolls around.” I pick up my bag and smooth my hair back again.

                “Katniss, stop pestering me about this. If I like it, I might keep it. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a little extra income?”

                “We’ll talk about this later.” I hear her huff behind me.

                I’m out the front door and headed down the driveway when my mom pulls up. My mom and I have a strained relationship. My dad died when I was very young in an accident at the power plant and I had to hold the family together while my mom went temporarily insane. She used to be a registered nurse until she was caught stealing medication from the practice she worked for which resulted in her arrest, jail time and the loss of her license. She now works at the local grocery mart as a cashier. Needless to say, the income isn’t what it used to be and I started working at Mellark’s Bakery & Cafe when I was just fifteen. My dad’s insurance paid for his cremation and our little two bedroom home. My mom and I pool our checks together to keep up with everyday expenses. It did get a little easier once we finally paid off her fines and lawyer fees last summer. I barely get to see my check after it’s cashed. I dread after school is done and my loans start knocking on my front door.

                “Hey Katniss. How was your day?”

                “It’s been okay.” And then we stand in a long pause as we usually do. “I’ll be home late. I’m closing tonight.”

And my feet are hitting the pavement as she is saying “Well, have a good night.”

                The walk to work is a few blocks from our house. It gives me enough time to clear the blahness I usually feel towards my mother after our driveway run-ins. The bakery is in a strip mall that has been in our town since the 80s. I always poke my head in the video game store to say hello to Gale since its right next door. He owns the place flat out. No college for him; he took a gamble and it worked out for him. Sometimes I pull extra hours there during the holiday season so I can buy a nice dinner and gifts for my mom and Prim. He waves from behind the counter and I go on my merry way. The bell dings as I open up the door to the bakery.

                It’s Friday so people are bustling all over the place. Johanna is manning the register up front and waves as I shimmy pass the counter. Finnick is playing barista today. Behind the counter and next to the huge storefront windows is a couple of butcher block tables and our ovens. People can see the items being made right in front of them. Thresh is back there now making yeast rolls and Wiress is decorating cookies. I pass to the back room that is kept quite cool for our cakes and such. Mr. Mellark is hunched over the steel table putting the finishing touches on a wedding cake for the weekend.

                “Hey Katniss! How goes it?”

                “It goes, Mr. Mellark…it goes.” I smile and punch in before making my way back to the office that doubles as storage.

                For my age, I believe I have a very good job. When I first started here, I was a cashier and then Mr. Mellark wanted me to learn how to bake, which, it turns out, I’m rubbish at. Mrs. Mellark started showing up less and less and then divorced her husband. After a while I was promoted to her job as store manager. I make orders for supplies and ingredients, I help advertise, make the schedule and make sure the store is organized and in tip-top shape. I get to deal with brides with crazy cake orders and making sure we have little plastic trees and figures to go on kids’ birthday cakes. I do a little bit of everything. I begin working on order forms and going over inventory, checking in the front ever so often to make sure everything is running smoothly and helping when it’s needed. It’s not an exciting way to spend every Friday night, but I’m with friends so I can never complain about that. Gale comes in before closing to chat and to tell me about his date with the much sought after Madge Undersee.

                “Wow. A date with the sheriff’s daughter. That has disaster written all up, down and around it.” I say between laughing.

                “Listen here, Catnip…parents freaking love me. I can be charming and polite.”

                “HA!” yelps Johanna from the back room.

                “Shut up Jo! “ Gale turns beet red and scrunches up his nose.

                “Maybe he’ll be wearing his gun” I say in between giggles.

                Jo pops back up front, “And I’m sure he’s already ran a background check’”

                “And that’s my cue to leave. I’m nervous enough as it is” he turns and heads for the door with his cookie, “See you shitheads later.”

                We both flutter our eyelashes and I yell after him, “Say hi to Madge for us.”

                I start wiping down the counter while Jo goes to start cleaning the floors. We begin our normal routine of cleaning up. I take the register till back to my desk to count and pull the receipts for the day. Thresh pokes his head in to say goodnight and Wiress soon follows. Jo comes in and leans against my desk. Her lips are in tight line.

                “What’s the matter?” I say shuffling receipts into an envelope.

                “I came to tell you I’ll see you tomorrow and that Peeta Mellark is leaning against the counter as we speak” she turns on her heel, “So yeah….” And then she’s gone.

                My eyes go wide and a flutter goes off in my chest.

 

_The entire senior class was lounging on the football field for what the school dubbed as ‘Senior Day’. We were signing yearbooks, taking pictures and anticipating the practice of graduation in a few hours. I had taken a few moments to myself after too much socializing. I laid near the 20 yard line on my back, basking in the sun when a shadow fell over me. I looked up, one eye squinting, “Oh hey Peeta.” I patted the ground next to me and he obligingly sat._

_“I wanted to tell you I got into Capitol State University.”_

_“Good for you Peeta. Not that I’m surprised Mr. Class President.” I sat up next to him and smiled._

_“But I kind of want to stay here.”_

_“Why?”_

_He stared at the grass for a long moment. “Because I’m in love.”_

_“Oh.” I stared at the grass too. “Well, maybe if you told the girl, maybe she could help you figure out what to do. Maybe she’ll go away with you or maybe you can have a long distance thing.” I smiled again and shrugged._

_He nodded. We sat in comfortable silence for a few moments._

_“I’m in love with you Katniss Everdeen. And one word of hope from your lips will root me by your side forever.”He blurts it out, never meeting my eyes._

_I stared at him, my breathing uneven. Thoughts of years passed raced through my mind: him chasing me around the playground and sticking up for me in grade school, passing me pictures making fun of teachers and sitting with me during lunch in junior high, carrying my books and meeting me by my locker in high school, long stares and light touches, giving me rides home and to work, making sure Prim and I were always okay after my dad died, remembering my birthday when my mom didn’t have sense to and letting me cry into his arms when I felt the heartache was too much. This was Peeta’s friendship to me. But they must have been love for him; he did these things because he loved me. And during all these years, I had had fleeting thoughts of him and me together. I cut myself off from thinking further._

_“You’re too good for me Peeta.” I sound too clipped and cold._

_“How can you say that?” He turned his body towards me._

_“Because it’s true.”_

_He took my hands in his and dipped his head to catch my eyes, willing me to look at him again. “No its not. You are the most wonderful person, Katniss. I…”_

_I cut him off, “No, Peeta. Just…no.”_

_I turn away from his face; there is way too much emotion on it._

_“You could come away with me.”_

_“I can’t leave Prim, not in a million years.”_

_“Then I’ll stay here.”_

_“NO!” I shout it louder than meaning to and several heads turn to look at us. “You have such a bright future ahead of you Peeta, but it’s not here. It’s far away from here. And it’s not with me.” I am on my feet and walking away before the tears swell in my eyes._

_He stops me in my tracks with a hand around my wrist. “I want you. Only you Katniss. All these years…you have to feel something.”_

_I stare at him and I know that I do. I know all I would have to do is whisper ‘yes’ and he would stay so I could be here with Prim. I know that he would give it all up to stay here with me and work in the bakery. But I’m a miserable mess and I cannot let radiant, beautiful Peeta lose his light for me. I have to protect him from life here in nowhere-town. I know he will see it’s for the better one day. So I open my mouth to say the words that I know will send him away, “No. You are my friend and nothing more. I have no feelings for you in that way whatsoever.”_

_His face flashes anger and hurt under crimson cheeks. My chin quivers from straining against the tears. I bite my tongue to regain control. And then he walks away from me._

_Mr. Mellark had briefed his employees a week after graduation of Peeta’s early departure. He had announced he would leave at once to find an apartment and a part time job and be completely settled before school started. I felt so sick to my stomach that I was sent home early._

_The day he left, I had found an envelope shuffled in the mail with my name on it. When I opened it, I found a thick piece of cardstock with the word ‘always’ written in red. I cussed him for getting in the last word._

                I stood cautiously and straightened the navy polo that bared the Mellark’s Bakery logo over my heart. I clocked out, making my way to the door. I see him come into view, casually leaning against the front counter, playing with his phone. I’m a nervous wreck but he seems fine. Cool and confident as usual. His hair is shaggier than I remember. His shoulders seem to be a bit more broad. When all the girls at school would call him hot, it seemed appropriate but not now. No, he is handsome. He has become a man.

                “Where’s your dad?” I blurt out.

                He snaps his head up and smiles. So I smile back.

                “He left. I asked if I could lock up, in hopes of giving you a ride home. Just because I haven’t seen you in so long.”

                I let a long breath out. I feel like he can see my insides flopping around from all the crazy emotions flooding in. “Yeah, sure. That sounds good.”

                We walk to his car in silence and ever the gentleman, he opens the door for me. I mutter ‘thanks’ before I get in. We are out of the parking lot before either of us speaks.

                “How come you’re here?” I ask.

                “Because I’m done at CSU. My exams were done on Wednesday so I came home.”

                “So you’re here for the summer then?”

                “Nope. I’m here for good. “

                I purse my lips at the confusion, “But why?”

                “Well, mostly because of my parents’ divorce. I would like to see my dad retire eventually so I shifted my major and viola, I have an associate’s degree in Business Management. Now I’m going to learn the ropes and take over. “

                “And what about Benson and Devon?”

                “My brothers have no interest. I do. I want to do this.”

                “Don’t you have a graduation then?”

                “No, not if I don’t want to. They’re sending it to me in the mail. Very anti-climactic, huh?” He chuckles to himself. And I can’t help but grin.

                He turns onto my block and pulls in the gravel driveway, killing the engine. “So how have you been, Katniss?”

                “Pretty good, I guess. Same ol’, same ol’.”

                “Good. Going to school?”

                “Um, yeah. Last class is next Thursday.” I find my body turn towards his, “Prim is going to be a junior next year. That’s kind of weird to me.”

                “Wow”

                “Yeah, I know.” And then we sit in silence for a few minutes, listening to the radio. It feels nice to be in his presence.

                “Listen Katniss, I missed you and I want us to be friends again, okay? Let’s just pretend the past two years haven’t happened and that we’re still good pals.” He is smiling eagerly.

                “I would like that very much old friend.” I beam and then give a sarcastic sigh, “Like I have a choice anyways. You’ll be my boss.”

                “Nah. Not yet anyways. You, Miss Everdeen will be _my_ boss.”

                “Niiiiiice.” And then we both laugh.

                “Let me walk you to your door.” We emerge from the car and he takes my bag to carry even though I insist I can carry a stinking bag on my own. We stop at the door, illuminated by the light from the street lamp.

                “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then, around noon?”

                “I’ll be there. Thanks for the lift.”

                “Can I pick you up tomorrow?”

                “Nah. I like the walk.”

                Before I can think or process what I’m about to do, I awkwardly fling my arms around his neck. He’s tense for a second but then encircles his arms around me and relaxes. “It’s good to see you Peeta.” I whisper into his hair.

                “You too, Katniss.” And then we let go and I say good night.

                He steps off the squat porch and then turns back to me, “You smell like the bakery.”

                I pause, the front door ajar. “Well, yeah…I mean…”

                “No, no. I like it. It smells like home.”


	2. Summer of Unread Love Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.

** JUNE & JULY **

                For the past two years I have pushed Peeta out of my mind roughly a million and one times. To have him thrust back into my life again has been a bit of an adjustment. One I find myself more than willing to accommodate. At first, I would catch myself staring at him, as if he really wasn’t there. And over the next couple of months, we fell back into our old ways. He picked me up and swung me around when I had passed my exams with flying colors. The entire summer, he made sure Prim had a ride to work and then they conspired together to convince me to let her keep the job when school started back (something that is still irritating me).  I helped him move into the basement apartment his dad had fixed him. We watched movies, we grabbed coffee together and he accompanied me to Madge’s summer luau where he congratulated Gale on conquering the elusive ‘sheriff’s daughter’. He even gave a little TLC to my pathetic laptop and made it work again. I taught him everything I knew about his dad’s bakery from the clerical end and he bravely attempted to show me, again, how to bake. That’s still the same; I’m still awful at it.

                It was sometime around the time the temperature is wavering on a hundred that I started to get distracted by Peeta. I mean _really_ distracted. This wasn’t just lusting after some guy you work with. This was Peeta, for god’s sake. I watched him too much at work. He lifted massive bags of flour and carried several crates of milk that did wonderful things to the muscles under his shirt. I watched his hands knead dough and form shapes, his tongue darting in and out of his mouth while he concentrated. I paid attention to how he perched his hand on the steering wheel when he drove me home and how he would be so enthusiastic about the book he was reading at the moment. I longed for those little touches on my arm or my knee and breathed in his scent deeply when he would hug me. I became utterly attracted to Peeta Mellark.

                All through my life, Peeta gave me a warm feeling my chest. It was friendship, adoration. But in these moments of observations, it wasn’t warmth; it was out of control fire…and it was much lower.

                And every single night when I was alone in my bedroom, I would curse at myself and douse the flames of that fire. I had made my bed and now I had to lay it in it.

                But then I allowed myself to fell a flicker of hope.

                It was a very slow Tuesday night at Mellark’s. Peeta was manning the register and Wiress was getting a head start on breakfast items for the following morning. I was filling out order forms for cakes we had going out this weekend at a table in the front of the shop. I could feel his eyes on me before I even looked up. The lovely warmth, building in my chest. When I did finally get my wits about me to look up and smile at him, his blue eyes lingered. He stared long enough for a blush to creep up in my cheeks and spread to my ears. He smiled back eventually and turned to fiddle with something behind him.

_Dammit, dammit, dammit._

 

** AUGUST **

 

                “So any interesting characters in your classes this semester?” Johanna asked, while we unloaded boxes from the latest shipment. School had just started back.

                “Lots of older people in my accounting class so it’s always eerily quiet. Then there’s this one kid in my philosophy class that has been a bit taken with me.”

                “Oooooo!”

                “Shut it. He’s one of those guys who thinks he’s God’s gift to women. Charmingly annoying. He’s good with the smooth talk. Makes the class go by a little faster.”

                “And his name?”

                I laugh before I say it, “Cato.”

                Jo makes a face, “Worst name ever.”

                “Yep.”

                “Sounds like he’s a raving lunatic.”

                “Probably.”

                “Who’s a raving lunatic?” It’s Peeta, wiping floured hands on his apron as he comes through the door.

                “Some guy all up in Katniss’ business.”

                He raises an eyebrow, “Oh.” I don’t have time to register what emotion crosses his face before it looks normal again. “Katniss, can I ask a favor?”

                “Yeah, sure.”

                “I know its short notice but, I need this weekend off. A friend from CSU is coming to town.”

                “Peeta, like you have to ask me. Remember you’re the owner’s son.”

                He smiles, “You are still my superior. Dad says to report to you like a regular employee.” And then he does a solider salute, “So I’m reporting Miss Everdeen.” He had started calling me this a few weeks ago while we worked. Mostly, I think, because it irritated me.

                I laugh, “Stop calling me that! And yes, that’s fine. It’ll be dead this weekend because of the art festival anyways.”

                “Thanks. I’m gonna go give her a quick call and then I’ll get the heavier stuff.” And with that, he’s off to the office, cell phone already to his ear

                I stand there like a lump on a log. _Did he just say ‘her’? Who is ‘her’? Why was ‘her’ coming into our small town from the big city_? I felt my heart sink and land in the knots in my stomach. It doesn’t matter, I told myself, and it’s none of my business.

 

 

                “Katniss, you have no excuse not to go with me to the festival. You have a whole afternoon before you have to be at work!”

                It was Sunday. Prim had been trying to talk me into going to our town’s annual arts and crafts shindig all morning. I couldn’t concentrate on my philosophy notes and my cereal was beginning to get soggy from bickering with her.

                “Katniss, honey, go with your sister. It might be fun” my mom said from behind the newspaper.

                I scowled. I slammed my notebook and gulped down the remaining milk in the bottom of my bowl, “Fine. Give me fifteen minutes and you’re paying the three bucks to get me in.”

                “Deal!” she squealed and ran into her room to get ready.

                I brushed my teeth and braided my hair. I pulled on jeans, a green tank top and my black Converse sneakers I had had since the 10th grade. I threw my work shirt, my wallet and my notes into my bag and slung it around my shoulder and across my body. As usual, my sister upstaged me in her flowy sundress that we had found at a consignment store on one of our excursions during the summer. She had cinched it with an old belt.

                We walk the few blocks to the park and as I had suspected, Prim catches up with Rue, Rory and some other friends from school. I am left to fend for myself. Luckily, I wander right into Gale and Madge, who insist I hang out with them. We walk around the booths criticizing the bad art and swooning over the craftier stuff. Prim checks in with me like I ask around noon. Gale buys Madge and myself a corndog and we sit in the grass under a tree to chat. Madge shows me her freshly tattooed shoulder blade.

                “Won’t your dad kill you?” I say as I look over the brightly colored bird.

                “Not if he doesn’t find out!”

                “It’s beautiful. Who did it?” I ask taking another bite.

                “This guy named Haymitch at Inked on Main. I told him I wanted a bird and he drew it right in front of me. He’s very talented.”

                “Did it hurt?”

                “A little but I was able to bite through it.” She looked triumphant.

                Gale told me how he went with her and about his plans to get a tattoo someday.  But halfway through his conversation, I stop listening.

Because there is Peeta.

With a blonde girl.

She’s laughing. He’s laughing.

                And I feel like I’m going to throw up.

                “Um…sorry guys, I…um…I gotta go…I’ll, um…I’ll see you later.” And I am up and running. I dodge him like the plague and find Prim a few tents from him.

                I grab her arm. “Prim, we have to go.”

                “But I want to stay.”

                I panic and give in way too easily. “Fine, fine. Just can you not walk home alone?”

                She nods, “Rory can walk me home. Are you okay Katniss? You look like you’re freaking out.”

                “No…no. I’m fine. I just…I just remembered something I have to do is all” I lied, kissing her cheek. I became almost stealthy as I made my way out the exit, relieved when my shoes hit the pavement of the sidewalk. I looked at my phone. I was going to be early but I headed to Mellark’s anyways. It would give me time to clear my head.

                I wasn’t sure what I was feeling really. I was the one who crushed the boy’s heart and now here I was being weird that I had seen him with another girl. I had been jealous before in my life. I was jealous of people who seemed to have everything handed to them. I was jealous of daughters who had loving fathers and mothers. I was jealous of Prim sometimes. Hell, I was jealous of people who could afford cars. But this jealousy was new. Peeta with another girl was right in front of me. At least when he was away at college, I didn’t have it dangling in my freaking face. An out of sight, out of mind sort of denial.

                Mr. Mellark gave me a questioning look when I walked through the door. I assured him I wasn’t going to clock in yet, I just needed a quiet place to study. The place was dead for a Sunday afternoon, so I sat at a booth in the corner pulling out my notebook. I stared at the same three words for half an hour, slapping my head in my hands every few minutes to try to get myself to focus. I became very irritated when a group of cackling older women came in to get coffee and cake. I took my notes back to my little desk to isolate myself. But it was no use. I was a mess. I finally turn to a clean sheet of notebook paper and fashioned a letter of sorts. It was mostly for my nerves. I would never give it to the intended recipient.

                I finished it with flourish in an hour or so. I felt better; my mind felt like it had less weight to it. The crappy feeling would come back eventually I figured but I was okay for now. I tore the sheet out of the spiral, folded it and placed it in an envelope and into the middle drawer of my desk, under my flashlight and a first aid kit.

                The week that follows is a bit awkward, at least for me. I’m the one who made my own hell in my mind. Peeta asks several times if everything is okay. I assure him that I’m fine coming up with an excuse of not getting enough sleep that he seems to buy the third time I tell him. He does still give me rides home from work in which I’m able to wean myself from jealous Katniss and back to his old friend Katniss.

 

               

But week, by week goes by and I become weaker in the fight with my stupid thoughts and ridiculous emotions. He mentions his friend Glimmer several times in our conversations that send me into a tailspin (although she is always mentioned in passing, nothing too in depth). These setbacks result in another note making its way into my desk drawer and another…and another. August is coming to a close and I estimate there are half a dozen tucked away. Notes of my feelings and frustrations towards Peeta folded away because I’m a coward.

                And then I’m thrown another curveball.

                One afternoon when I’m filing away orders, Peeta pokes his head in to ask if he can change his shirt. I shrug and go about my business. He turns his back to me, stripping off his t-shirt and grabbing his work polo from his bookbag. My eyes are glued to his back, his glorious, muscled back. My mouth is dry; my tongue sticking to the roof of it. And there’s the fire. Except this time it’s consuming my whole body.

                He catches me staring and smirks. I scowl. He brushes his knuckle across the side of my lip and says, “You’ve got a bit of drool right here.”

                “Oh, shut up.” And I knock his hand away laughing uncomfortably.

                I sit with my head in my hands for a while. _Ugh, what are you some horny teenager? Pull your shit together!_

 

                Sometime that night after I’ve seen Prim off to a friend’s house, I attempt to read my book. But I’m not very interested at the moment. I keep thinking of Peeta and his chaste peepshow. So much so, that when the fire pools in between my legs, I do not ignore it. I put my book aside, clicking off my lamp. And I let my mind form images of Peeta’s body as I my hand works inside my cotton panties. I let the images turn into scenarios involving the backseat of his car, him clutching my hips. And that is my undoing.              

 

 

 

 


	3. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.

** SEPTEMBER **

                “I swear, every kid in our town is having a birthday party this weekend.” I say as I box up two dozen cupcakes with fondant knight shields on them.

                Wiress chuckles, “There is a bit of a boom, huh?”

                We hum to the music on the radio as she finishes up a princess cake and slides over to me to add edible glitter and box it up. Finnick yells from the front about needing some more milk and cream so I oblige and bring it up to him. I notice that we are a bit busy so I open another register to take some orders with our new hire Delly and then move to clean up dishes with Johanna when the line has died down.

                “Where’s Peeta?” I ask Jo.

                She tilts her head over to the patio outside, “He’s on break.”

                There he sits with Glimmer. A tense look on his face.

                I can’t breathe.

                Johanna waving a hand in front of my face brings me back, “Katniss, are you okay?”

                I nod. She glances back to Peeta and then to me and then back again.

                “How about we talk after work, huh?” she asks, her voice low. I nod again.

                I want my feet to move but I can’t. I just stand there, plates and mugs in my hands. He notices me and seems to hasten a goodbye, jogging to the door.

                He walks to me taking the dishes from me, “Sorry, it’s my…”

                “…your friend from CSU” I finish.

                “Yeah, Glimmer. I’ve mentioned her name before?”

                I nod again because it’s all I can do.

               

                “Do you need a ride home?” Peeta asks me later as we gather our things and set the alarm.

                “I’m actually hanging out with Jo tonight.”

                “Oh. Okay.” His eyebrows knit together.

                I touch his arm, “But thank you.” And he smiles again.

                Johanna takes me by my house to gather an overnight bag. Prim is at a friend’s house yet again and my mom is already asleep so I leave a note on the table.

                Her apartment is a little ways out of town. She shares it with an older girl named Annie. It’s small with a skinny hallway and tiny kitchen. She hands me a pint of ice cream and we settle into the sofa.

                She wastes no time, “So you have the hots for Peeta.” She makes it a statement.

                “I do not have the hots for Peeta.”

                “Don’t bullshit me Katniss. There’s something.”

                I let out a sigh and take a few more bites of ice cream. She looks too eager. “It’s just that…”

                She leans in, “Yeah?”

                “I don’t think I know what it is. I wrestle with my mind a lot.”

                I tell her everything. From when we were children to that day on the football field to the feeling I have now. I tell her about the evolution of caring for him to what might be loving him. I tell her about the notes I write to get him out of my head and the way mentioning Glimmer makes me feel. We continue to eat our ice cream and she nods a lot.

                “But you don’t actually know that he’s dating this girl?”

                I shake my head, “But c’mon. You’ve seen her. She’s the type of girl Peeta belongs with.”

                “You’re mental. Peeta would never date a girl like that. He’s not shallow.”

                “But she goes to college.”

                “So do you.”

                “Yeah, community college.”

                “Doesn’t matter.”

                I think for a moment, “But, Jo, look at her and look at me.”

                “I’m looking at you Katniss. You’re thinking of some random guy with a dick…”

                I burst into fits of laughter.

                “But…” she continues, “Peeta is not a random guy. He’s kind and caring, thoughtful. He has a brain AND a dick and can most likely use them at the same time. It’s a rarity.”

                We dissolve in laughter.

                “I do know that Mr. Stud has only been with two girls if that tells you anything.”

                My eyes are wide, “How do you know this?”

                She scrapes the bottom of the cardboard of the pint, “Overheard Finnick and Thresh and him talking one day when you weren’t there. They had to beat it outta him.”

                “Continue…” I say quietly.

                “The first was some random girl at a party a few months after he got to college. Said he just wanted to lose his virginity and get over with. But apparently, that one kind of turned into a relationship. And I believe the second one was before he came back but he said that was a HUGE mistake.”

                “Oh.” I can feel my heart pounding in my ears.

                “He didn’t really brag or anything like that. Seems to not want to talk about it at all. As opposed to Finnick who gives us way too much detail. I’m scarred for life from his descriptions!” I laugh half-heartedly.

                We sit in silence for a few minutes, while I attempted to get my pulse under control. I couldn’t let this bother me. I’d be a hypocrite. I had been with three guys since Peeta had gone off to college. My first was a guy I dated for a few months named Marvel and another guy named Darius that used to work at Gale’s store. The third was a one night stand with a bass player from a local band. I can barely recall what he looked like.

                Jo interrupts my thoughts, “Why don’t you just tell him. I’m sure he still loves you.”

                “But what if he doesn’t?”

                “But what if he does?”  
                “But what if he doesn’t?”

                “Geez, Kat. If ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ were candied nuts, we’d all have a Merry Christmas. Just tell him okay?”

                I stick my tongue out at her. “I can’t just lay it all out there.”

                She sighs at me. “Yeah, well, one day you might not have a choice. Your happiness may depend on it.”

Despite many encouraging words (and threats) from Jo in the following days, I do not muster up any courage to tell him that I could maybe, quite possibly be in love with him. He hasn’t mentioned Glimmer nor have I seen her since she came to the bakery. I am happy with where we stand right now and it just eats Jo up.

 

 

** OCTOBER **

****

                On Halloween night, a slew of twenty-somethings gather around for a bonfire on the outskirts of town. Peeta and I are dangling our legs off the back of a friend’s truck with Gale and Madge drinking cheap beer. We are laughing hysterically at Finnick Odair tripping over Johanna’s roommate Annie.

                “Wow, this is just pathetic. I thought he had game?” Gale says.

                “Seems like Annie has got quite the hold on the ol’ stud” I state, sipping my beer.

                We watch the scene unfold in front of us. Annie seems to be playing hard to get.

                “Hey,” Madge interrupts, “that guy over there. Where do I know him from?” We all lean to see who she’s pointing to.

                “Who?” Peeta asks.

                She points again, “That tall guy in the hoodie by the Mustang.” We lean over further.

                “Oh, that’s Darius” Gale finally says. “He used to work at the shop.”

                I sit very still. _Nobody say it, don’t say it, don’t say it!_

“Oh yeah! That’s the guy Katniss dated for a while.” Madge squeals.

                I squeeze my eyes shut. _I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear her._

                “Didn’t you Katniss? Last year some time?” She takes a sip, looking at me.

                “Uh, yep.” I pop the ‘p’ at the end. I peer over to Peeta. He seems to be chewing on the inside of his mouth, analyzing Darius. Thankfully, Gale reads my body language and changes the subject.

                Peeta seems to stay glued to my side for the remainder of the evening. I find it amusing when his eyes stray over to Darius and his group of friends. This leads to him pulling me closer and hanging his arm around my shoulders or whispering something completely out of the blue in my ear. Johanna keeps giving me these looks ever so often in between mingling. She knows what’s wrong with Peeta. And I think I do too. It’s a new feeling I’ve only recently come to recognize: Peeta Mellark is jealous.

 

 

                While he doesn’t mention the bonfire or what he found out to me, Gale mentions that Peeta had asked him a question about it one afternoon when I was in school.

                “What did he ask?” I try to sound calm.

                “Just how long you dated.”

                “And you said…”

                “Four or five months. Right?”

                I nod, “Right.” I let a moment go by. “That’s all he asked?”

                “That’s it.” He raises his eyebrows at me. But I just shrug him off.

                And then a handful more notes end up in the envelope because I can’t quit thinking about it.

 

****

** NOVEMBER **

 

I show up at Peeta’s door the day after Thanksgiving to watch a movie with him. It’s his pick tonight and I have prepared myself for boobs, cursing, guns and explosions. But instead he takes me upstairs and we stand outside a closed door that I remember once being his room.

                “I want to show you something. But you can’t laugh.” He smiles nervously.

                I link my arm in his, “Can’t make any promises.”

                He rolls his eyes and opens the door. The walls are still the light blue color I remember them being and the carpet has been changed to hard wood floor at some point. There is little left of Peeta’s childhood in this room. Now it is littered with canvas paintings and a large corkboard with picture drawn in ink and charcoal and pencil tacked up. I step in fully and take in the easel in the middle of the room atop a splattered white sheet on the floor. There are shelves on one wall holding paints, books and jars full of brushes.

                “Who did these?” I ask.

                “I did” he whispers.

                I take it all in, running my fingers delicately along lines and smudges. His art. It’s undefinable. I see landscapes and people, geometric shapes and abstract swishes. I smile wide.

                “Don’t laugh.” I turn to him, leaning against the door frame.

                “Not laughing. Just smiling. It’s all very…beautiful.”

                He smiles at me, his shoulders becoming straighter, “Thanks. All the doodling in high school kind of just took off.”

                I let my thoughts drift to the random pages in his notebooks from our teen years, filled with cartoons and odd shapes. Who knew they would turn into something like this?

                We hear the front door slam, “Peeta! You home?” It’s his dad.

                “I need some help with the groceries!”

                “Don’t move,” he says to me and I freeze in place which makes him laugh. “Coming dad!”

                I walk to the shelves to move my fingers along his sketchbooks. I pick up one he has tied a green ribbon to and flip open to the first page. A lump forms in my throat. It’s me laying on the twenty yard line. I keep turning. My eyes. My hands. My house. My black sneakers that I still wear.  A cartoon me mad at a fallen cake. A sketch of our friendship bracelets we had in 4th grade. Me in my prom dress. They were all done in pencil and so life like, every detail perfect. I kept flipping. Real photographs were taped on the last pages. A few of my school pictures. Us at prom together (‘but just as friends’ I had said). Silly faces at a football game. Me eating a foot long hot dog at a baseball game. Us covered in powdered sugar after eating a funnel cake at the carnival.  Me, Peeta and Prim building a snowman. And there on the last page was a photo he had taken during this past summer. He had snapped it when I had tucked a dandelion flower behind my ear.

                I heard footsteps coming down the hall and quickly shoved the book back on the shelf. My face was hot, that familiar warmth building in my chest. I lied when he asked if I was okay, that I looked flushed.

                “It’s just…you’re really good at this Peeta.”

                “I’ve sold a few pieces to a gallery you know.”

                “Why didn’t you tell me?”

                He shrugs, “Everybody’s got secrets.”

                I raise my eyebrow, “So true.”

                I gaze around for a few more moments. “So I should tell everyone that you’re an art geek now?”

                “Nope. This is _our_ little secret.”

                He crosses the room and takes my hand. “Enough wishy-washy. Let’s go watch that movie.”

                “Explosions?”

                “Lots of ‘em.” And he leads me down the hallway.

                I didn’t pay much attention to the movie. I kept thinking of the sketchbook.  I leaned into him tonight, folding my legs under me, just wanting to be closer. He draped his arm over my knees. My heart pattered too fast the rest of night. I was sure I was going to explode.

 

 

** DECEMBER **

 

                I started picking up extra hours at the Game Shop (Gale was never creative with names) closer to Christmas, allowing me the extra income I had come to count on. Peeta had insisted on driving me to and from that job too. I didn’t protest as much as I usually do. Jo seemed to notice this and added it to the list of things to tease me about. Gale had offered a few times but I cut him off telling him the sooner he left, the sooner he could see Madge. A statement that would have him smiling from ear to ear every time.

                After I had passed my exams and the semester was over, I had a little free time. I was able to get a whole bag full of brand new clothes for Prim, accessories included and a rather nice watch for my mom from an actual jewelry store. I was very pleased with my purchases. The extra cash Prim was able to bring in from the ice cream shop had helped us tremendously, although I would never let her know that.

                On a particularly biting cold day, I borrowed my mom’s car to drive over to the next town in search of an art store I had found online. I wasn’t sure if Peeta and I were exchanging presents but I wanted to pay him back for the gallons of gas he used to cart my ass around. I asked the clerk behind the counter to help with some ideas for gifts for a painter. I winded up with brushes, pigments, varnishes, graphite pencils and a newsprint sketch pad. When I eyed the section labeled “Sketch Journals”, he led me over and insisted I browse. It was overwhelming really. All the covers, sizes and thicknesses were different. After choosing, then deciding against several, I had chosen one that looked like one Peeta would choose himself. It was supple brown leather, bound by a leather cord wrapped around it several times. Inside it was lined with a soft orange fabric, Peeta’s favorite color. After picking my jaw up from the floor at the total and making my way back home, I wrapped my purchases with care. I couldn’t help but smile as I slid them under our fake, plastic tree in the living room.

 

                All the bakery employees were buzzing with the holiday spirit. Christmas carols played through the speakers and twinkling lights adorned the counters. The day before Christmas Eve, Mr. Mellark closed down early and we all ate catered food. A lovely surprise Mr. Mellark had kept from us. Finnick ran around holding mistletoe over everyone and we all died from laughter playing Christmas Carol charades. In the middle of the bustle, I couldn’t help but think of how happy I was no doubt due to the smiling man who had been stuck to my side all evening. Being so wound up about my gifts I had brought them along to give to Peeta tonight. As the party winded down, I was practically bouncing on my feet when it was time for Peeta to take me home. But he insisted I put them back in my bag.

                “Because I have something for you too” he smiled, pulling me closer to him by my waist.

                Johanna made an encouraging face as we parted ways and I shrugged. She had mentioned in passing that maybe, being so full of holiday cheer, I would confess my love to him. I laughed so hard at her statement, I snorted.  As we drove to his house, making idle chat, I found myself a little uneasy about his gift. He was never one to give something small and meaningless.  He mistook my nervous shaking as me being cold and turned the heat up more.

                He parked the car and we both stepped into the darkness. I could barely see the ground I was walking on. Peeta met me in front of the car, taking my hand and my bag, leading me to the ground floor door to his basement apartment. But then he stopped, staring into the black and I followed his eyes to what he was seeing.

                It was a car I’d never seen before.

                “You have got to be kidding me” he muttered.

                “What?” I asked.

                And there she was, posed against his door. I blinked and she ran towards him, throwing her arms around his neck. It was Glimmer.

                The warmth died out and I felt colder on the inside than I did out.

               

 


	4. A Conversation Overheard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story

** DECEMBER CONTINUED **

 

You know when you’re sitting at the dinner table with your parents and they start talking about something important or embarrassing that you’re not supposed to know? That’s how I feel right now.

                Peeta had peeled Glimmer’s hand from around his neck, scowling. The combination of what my head thought and how he was reacting confused me. He invited us in even though I was reluctant.

                “I insist, Katniss” he whispered after the leggy blonde had entered through the door. “Please.”

                So I went in.

                We both sat at his little kitchen table while he made us peppermint tea. She didn’t really look at me, just kept twirling her hair. When he brought us the tea, she thanked him in a way that was far too sugary for his taste. He winced.

                “Peeta, I think I should go…”

                “No. Please. Just give me a few minutes to straighten something out.” His eyes looked tired to me. I glanced over at Glimmer who was now boring holes into me. It dawned on me. Peeta doesn’t want her here. And she clearly doesn’t want _me_ here. I smiled at the insanity of it.

                I picked up my cup, “I’ll just be in the living room, watching some television.”

                “Thanks Katniss” Peeta breathed out.

                As I sat on the couch, I heard her say, “That’s Katniss?”

                I turned the volume just high enough where I could still hear them mumbling but I couldn’t really make out the words. I winded up watching a reruns of _The Office_. Halfway through, the mumbling became a bit loud. I tried everything in my power to not pay attention.

                “I can’t just be friends with you Peeta. I want us to be together. Like before you left…and like we were a few months ago.”

                “That was a mistake. A really big mistake.” His voice is raised. I have rarely heard it this way.

                “So you take my virginity and then you want nothing to do with me?” Her voice is shrill now.

                I flinch.

                “I told you I didn’t want a relationship. It was okay with you at the time Glimmer. If I would have known you were going to stalk me afterward, I wouldn’t have done it!”

                “But at the festival…”

                “You said you were in town for a funeral! You try to sleep with me, yet again and you were so torn up, I didn’t have the heart to turn you away! We had agreed to be friends, dammit! And then I found out there wasn’t even a funeral! You pretended someone was dead! How fucked up is that?”

                “I just wanted to see you!”

                “I made it clear I didn’t want to see you when you showed up at my work. And I have no idea how you found out where I live. It’s fucking creepy, Glimmer!”

                I turn the volume up a little more on the television. I don’t think I can take anymore.

                It’s hard to drown out the heavy pacing of Peeta’s footsteps. Back and forth. Back and forth.

                I can only hear incoherent yelling now. Glimmer is calling Peeta a lot of names.

                And then she’s crying. Peeta is saying he’s sorry in the same breath that he’s telling her to leave him alone. I hear some more sobbing and then the door slams. It shakes the whole house.

                I turn the volume back down. I hear her car crank and a squeal of tires.

                And then I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

                I almost feel sorry for the girl. Almost. I feel bad for Peeta mostly. But there is that one little part that thinks he might have asked for it. Still, I see the charm in Peeta. The charm that would have any pretty girl clamoring for his attention. He just gave it to the wrong girl.

                After waiting a few moments for the air to clear, I make my way into the kitchenette and put my cup in the sink. Peeta is standing, his hands clutched on the back of a chair.

                “So you slept with her?” I ask, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

                He rubs his eyes, “Yeeeaaaahhh.”

                “Twice?” I’m not even sure why I’m asking. It seems like the ‘friend’ thing to do.

                “Yeeeaaaahhhh” he says again, running his fingers through his blonde hair.

                “I thought it was common knowledge to avoid psycho virgins? They always want a _relationship_ , you know?” I tap my finger at my chin like cartoon characters do when they’re thinking.

                “I obviously didn’t take it to heart.” He looks up at me, “Do you think I’m a jerk?”

                “Yes, if you told her you didn’t want a relationship after the sex. No if you told her before.”

                “I told her before.”

                “Then no, I don’t think you were a jerk…the first time. I do think you were a jerk the second time.”

                “I feel like a jerk for the entire thing.”

                “Sex makes you do crazy things, Peeta. Maybe you were just that good.” I shrug but he’s laughing hysterically.

                “I doubt it but thanks for the thought.”

                I go to stand beside him, my hands on the next chair, mirroring his stance.

                He tries to start several sentences but seems to think better of it. He winds up squeezing out, “I don’t want you to think…”              

                But I save him from trying to explain, “Peeta, don’t. It happens sometimes. People fuck up.” I smile reassuringly. And we let another moment slip by.

                He squeaks a question out, “Did you sleep with Darius?”

                During our decades of friendship, I have mentioned my sexual situation once, when we were juniors. We had found a bottle of white liquor in a cabinet in my kitchen and had gotten just a bit tipsy. We talked about a lot of nonsense and then I mentioned in passing that I was a virgin and he confessed he was too. And that was that. We passed out for a few hours afterward and I had a hangover all the next day. I kind of want to change the subject, but for some reason I don’t. “I did...yes.”

                He nods his head. “Well, I hope you didn’t go psychotic on him.”

                I smirk. “Nah, not my style.”

                I watch him chew on his bottom lip. “You look like you have something to say.” I say, bumping our shoulders together.

                “Was he your first?” He doesn’t look at me.

                “Ah…um, no. He wasn’t.”

                He nods his head more than is necessary.

                We stand in silence for a few more moments, listening to the mumbled voice of a late night show host and the audience laughing in turn. I spot my bag and bend to pull out several neatly wrapped packages. “Let’s play Santa Claus and forget about ol’ crazy ass shall we?”

                He smiles, grabbing my free hand and pulling me into the living room. He disappears into his bedroom that juts off of the living room and comes back with a large flat box wrapped in shiny green foil.

                We hand each other the gifts and both say “you first” back and forth until I whine like child and he gives in.

                He opens the packages slowly one by one, a big, goofy grin on his face. He runs his hand over everything, as if he’ll never see them again. His eyes get big when he’s done, “Wow. I love all of it. I can’t…just wow. Best present ever. Well, except maybe the mixed tape you gave me in fourth grade. That one has always been my favorite.”

                We both chuckle and I beam like a dork.

                “Thank you Katniss.” He brings my hand up to his lips and plants a soft, chaste kiss on it. The fire roars to life in my belly and I feel my ears go hot.

                “Now you.” He motions to my gift.

                It’s got a bit of weight to it. This throws me completely off on what it could be. I peel back the corners and open the box to reveal a sleek black satchel sort of bag. I look up to him, my eyebrow arched.

                “Open the bag” he encourages.

                So I do. My hand slides the object out. It’s a thin, sleek (and very expensive) laptop. I gasp so loud, Peeta jumps. “You bought me a laptop?”

                His smile fades. “Well, yeah. I mean your other one is horrible and you must get frustrated doing your school work on it. I mean…is that okay?”

                I run my hand over the top of it. It’s so very new. I don’t think I’ve ever had anything this new. “Peeta, it’s too much. It’s so very too much. I…”

                “Don’t say you can’t accept it, because you can and you will. Here, let me show you some things on it.”

                He shows me all the things that he had installed on it, teaching me how to navigate through them step by step. He even opens up the I-Tunes player (something I’ve never had) to reveal hundreds of songs he’s downloaded. Songs we listen to in high school, songs I stop at on the radio when we are in his car and songs he thinks I will like because he likes them. It is literally a million light years ahead of the laptop I own now.

                “Thank you. I love it.” My voice is a whisper. I lean into him, intending to kiss his cheek but my hand slips from underneath my weight and I kiss right at the corner of his mouth instead. His face flares red and I can barely contain the wildfire that spread through my body. It feels like desire and it runs straight through to my bones.

                I stand up awkwardly and suddenly. “I should probably get home, Peeta. I’m sure Prim is worried.”

                He stands next to me, “Yeah, uh, I’ll, uh, get my jacket.”

                Once in the car, he switches his radio to Christmas carols and we sing a very off-pitch version of ‘Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’ and a rendition of ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’ with way too much spit. He walks me to my door and hands me my bag, which is easily five pounds heavier with my new laptop inside. I set it down against the door frame.

                “Thank you for my supplies, Katniss. They really are perfect. I can’t wait to use them.”

                “Thank you for my computer. It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever given me.” I meet his eyes. They are so intense, I feel my ears go hot again.

                He rushes the next sentence out in one breath. “I’d give you the moon if I could.”

                My legs feel like jelly underneath me. It is then that I want to tell him everything. That I want him so bad it hurts. That I love him. But my brain sputters and my stomach flips and I know I can’t do it. I was, and still am not worthy of Peeta Mellark. So instead, I throw my arms around him so fiercely he stumbles back and we stand grasping on to one another in the pale moonlight.

                “Merry Christmas, Peeta” I whisper into his ear.

                “Merry Christmas, Katniss.”

               


	5. A Good Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.

** INTO JANUARY **

                “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

                This is Johanna’s reaction when I tell her about my evening with Peeta. We had met in the library before work the day after Christmas. Johanna likes to read the smut books that make me blush and I had picked up a couple of sci-fi stories.

                “Geeze, Jo! I don’t think they heard you in the children’s section” I roll my eyes. 

                “That was the perfect time to lay it all out for him and you choked.”

                “I didn’t choke! I just…I can’t okay?”

                It’s her turn to roll her eyes.

                I continue on, “Look, I stand by my decision. I just... I think its best that we’re friends, okay? He even said when he came back that he wanted us to go back to the way it was before.”

                “Oh, you mean where he’s in love with you?”

                If looks could kill, she would have dropped dead right there.

 

                New Year’s Eve isn’t a huge deal in a small town. There aren’t any fancy soirees or clubs with loud music. Most people have little get-togethers instead. After closing down the bakery an hour earlier, Johanna, Finnick, Thresh, Delly, Peeta and I make our way over to the Undersee’s house.

Madge has always had very interesting New Year’s parties. She invites the kids we hung around from high school that are still in town and random friends we’ve met along the way. Everyone brings blankets and pillows and overnight bags and we pile in what Madge’s dad calls the “man cave”.  My past favorites are ugly Christmas sweater night featuring cheesy holiday movies, a Harry Potter inspired party featuring all the movies and the one where we all dressed in sweats and gym shorts, painted our faces like football players and played Wii sports all night. Tonight is superhero movie marathon pajama party. It’s got a certain ring to it.

Madge’s house is easily the biggest in town. While, I’m sure her dad makes pretty good money as sheriff, I think that her mom being a pediatrician is the reason for the house. Gale is already there when we arrive, clutching   Madge’s hand. By the time the first movie, Iron Man, has started, there are twenty of us piled on couches and chairs and makeshift pallets of blankets. Before pressing play, Madge welcomes Peeta back which brings on a round of claps and hollering. Peeta and I sit beside one another like old times, our bodies under my old patchwork quilt. Everyone only half pays attention to the movie; we are too busy catching up and eating the endless amounts of food. After that movie has ended, most people disperse to go change into their pajamas while Gale gets the original Batman going. All the girls, including my old high school friends Clove and Cashmere, go upstairs to Madge’s room to change.

“So does everyone have someone to kiss come midnight?” Delly asks pulling off her jeans.

“Delly, the rules here are: just kiss who’s ever closest to you.” Clove says.

Cashmere scoffs, “When has that been a rule?”

“Made it up ‘bout two minutes ago. I think it’s a good rule.” Clove has never had a problem kissing anybody and we tell her so.

                We are left giggling like a bunch of school girls by the time we are dressed and our faces are scrubbed. I pile my hair on top of my head. I pull a hoodie from high school over my faded gray tank top and flannel pants. We all make our way back down to the “man cave” to find Thresh and Finnick have snuck in the alcohol.

While I’m almost positive her parents know that we have all been pretty drunk in their basement at one time or another, they never say anything. Madge thinks that as long as we all stay, we’re safe.  All twenty of us take a couple of shots of vodka. Peeta hands me a beer and we make our way back over to our spot. I’m leaning heavily on him as the effects of the shots start to show. I never get drunk really; I’m usually sober by the time we all pass out. But Peeta goes back for several more shots. He starts laughing at everything.

The scene around us is pretty normal. Finnick is half naked (a new record this year: he stayed clothed for three whole hours). Thresh has begun to challenge everyone to arm wrestling. I’ve caught up with my old friend Rue, who was a grade below me and Clove has found her make-out partner for the night.

                “So, what are your resolutions looking like this year?” Peeta asks me, laying on his side with his head propped up in his hand, eyes a little glazed over.

                I shift from laying on my back, my head propped up on a pillow to look at him. “The usual. Get through another school year. Buy a car. Take care of Prim. Pretty ambitious, huh? What about you?”

                “Get my dad one step closer to retiring. Fix him up on a date maybe. Read more. Mine are boring.” And he laughs sloppily.

                Gale switches off X-Men and clicks over to the big ball drop at the Capitol. “Five minutes ‘til the New Year everybody!” He slurs and says it a little too loudly. Peeta and I both sit up so we can see the scene in front of us. People on the television are dressed in brightly colored clothing and wigs, wearing paper party hats and battery operated lighted headbands. People around us are coupling up, I notice. The surround sound booms with music and noise. It’s almost time for a new year, a new beginning. The time when everyone is full of hope and anything seems possible.   

                “Hey Peeta?” I say loudly into his ear.

                “Yeah?” He yells back.

                I take a swig of beer. “I want to rebel a little bit too. I think…I want to get a tattoo. Add that to my list.”

                His eyebrows raise, “No shit? Me too. We should go together. We could be badasses together.”              

                “Maybe” I answer.

                Our friends start counting at thirty.

                “Hey Katniss!”

                “Yeah?”

                “I’m gonna kiss you okay?” He drags the words out.

                The warmth spreads through my chest.

                He continues, “I just feel like it would be a good start you know? You are my best friend after all.”

                “I think…yeah…okay… that’s a good idea.” We set our drinks aside, standing to count with everyone else.

                Ten…nine…eight…seven…

                His arm is around my waist up under my hoodie touching the bare skin where my tank top has ridden up.

                Six…five…four…three…

                I snake my arm around his waist, clutching to him for dear life. He turns towards me, eyes wide and gleaming and we count together.

                Two…one.

                Paper horns and shouts surround us; music continues to attack us from the speakers. Peeta takes my face into his hands and leans in. I am too eager. I close the space quickly. His lips are soft and moist and his breathe smells of the beer he has been nursing. Our mouths are slightly parted, inviting one another to explore but neither of us do. My hands wind around his neck and the kiss goes on for a beat too long for friends. We pull away gasping, heat dancing across both our faces. And I am ignited inside.

                We stay close the rest of the morning. We don’t really say anything, but visit with our friends, holding onto one another. I don’t know if it’s because he wants to or if he just can’t stand up on his own. I would like to think he wants to. Spiderman, The Avengers and two newer Batman movies play through. People start falling asleep around 4am, Peeta and I included. We settle into our blankets, his arm pulling me flush against him. I’m not sure when I finally doze off. I lay there in his warmth, drinking it in for quite some time after I hear his soft snores. The flames rising up from deep within me have consumed me again and a throbbing ache takes over the lower half of my body. He nuzzles into my hair and my brain buzzes with activity.

                I’m pretty sure I fall asleep with a smile plastered on my face. A smile so big, the Joker would be jealous.

                                 


	6. Not Very Brave After All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.

** JANUARY  **

The weeks in January pass by slowly but I don’t mind. Good things are happening to the Everdeens. Prim is still doing well in school even with her job and has, to no surprise to anyone, started dating Rory Hawthorne. My mom was promoted to customer service manager at the grocery store and got a nice pay increase which resulted in me being able to put money back for a car. I’ve taken on three classes this semester instead of two. This is because I finally know what I want to do. Inspired by Peeta’s Christmas gift, I want to work in web design.

                Neither one of us has mentioned our New Year’s kiss. And a few more notes made it into my desk drawer.

                Johanna thinks he’s playing coy. But I choose to just go with the flow like always, insisting he was too drunk to remember. This only makes her cuss at me more than usual. She snidely makes a comment about hoping he finds my stash of notes. This prompts me to remove them.

                They are in my nightstand drawer for two days before I catch Prim picking through them. I snatched them from her hand so quickly she yelped. So I put them in the trunk at the end of the bed only to find my mom shuffling through it a few days later looking for extra blankets. It was too close for comfort so I put them in my school bag. This lasted a week before the thick envelope got wedged in the pages of one of my notebooks. I took the notebook out, only to send the envelope and its contents flying in a room full of college kids. And then Prim kept pestering me about why she couldn’t see what was in the envelope and how we’re sisters and sisters tell each other everything.

                “Oh really? Have you screwed around with Rory?”

                She makes a growling noise and stomps off.

                The notes go back in my desk drawer.

 

 

** FEBRUARY **

 

                I do wind up going to get a tattoo but not with Peeta. It was on a whim one Friday night in February when I went out with Jo and Madge. Johanna has several tattoos already. She didn’t even flinch when Haymitch added her vivid red heart topped with a crown on the back of her calf. Madge squinted out of one eye a lot when she got stars on the back of her neck, making sure it was high enough up to be hidden by her hair. When it was my turn, I still hadn’t really decided on what I was getting. Something small, I knew, since I didn’t have a lot of extra money to spend. I would try to think of something clever but my mind kept circling around to Peeta. _Ugh!_ Madge suggested a quote or a word. Which I liked.

                “Just say whatever word pops into your head” Jo had suggested.

                I was thoughtful for a moment.

                “Love.” I stated.

                And that’s what I got: the word love in a handwritten script scrawled across my hip bone with a small red heart at the end of it. It hurt like hell but I smiled when I saw the finished product. I felt a little brave in doing it.

 

                I kept my tattoo a secret for about one day. At work the following day, I could not leave the waistband of my jeans alone. Finnick and Peeta both asked me what I was doing and I mumbled something about a tag in the pants bothering me. My cover was blown when Johanna showed up and mentioned her new tattoo while putting on her apron. Both boys seemed to like it. Finnick asked if it hurt.

                “Nah, this one didn’t. My leg went numb after a few minutes anyways. Madge got another one too. Right on the back of her neck. And Katniss got one on her hip. Now those hurt. That’s a very sensitive area but she got through it.” She prattled on like it was nothing.  I stiffened on the other side of the room near the work tables.

                “Katniss got a tattoo?” I heard Peeta say.

                I pretended not to hear the conversation and made my way back to my office, my head bowed. I turned my back to the door muttering “dammit” as I lift my shirt and pushed my jeans off of the ink, exposing the loosely taped gauze over it. I peeked down through the top to see the new scab forming over it.

                “So you got a tattoo, huh?” His voice is low.

                I jump and spin around at the sound, letting out a yelp. “God, Peeta, you scared me to death!” My shirt is still pulled up and caught on my bra, my jeans are slung low on one side.

                He smirks as I try to pull my clothes back into place and says “sorry”.

                He closes the door partially, stepping closer to me. “Can I see it?” he asks a couple of feet in front of me.

                My ears go hot. “Uh, yeah. Sure.” I fumble my shirt up a little and wretch that side of the waistband back down, “I just have to get this off.”

                But his hand is there to stop mine. “Here, let me.” He’s so close I can smell the rosemary bread he was working on earlier. I nod.

                His fingers work slowly and delicately at the medical tape that pulls on my goosebumped skin. I can taste every beat of my pulse in my throat. When the rectangle of cloth is removed, he throws it in the trash then sits in my chair to examine it. The minutes tick by and I start to get a little self-conscious.

                “I like it” he murmurs, his breath dancing across my hip. He picks his hand up tentatively, letting it hover over the word before running his thumb over it. He lets his hand rest on the bare skin of my side. I let out a ‘yip’ at the contact. He stands slowly, never moving his hand.

                “I thought we were going to get one together?”

                I raise my eyebrow. _Wait a second…_ “I thought you wouldn’t remember that night?”

                “I mean, I was pretty drunk but not completely wasted Kat. I remember everything about that night.” He takes a step forward, “Did I mean for the thoughts in my head to spill out of my mouth?  Not really. But I’m glad I did. The alcohol just made me a little more brazen.”

                My skin is searing from the connection to his hand. My mouth is slightly parted and I’m in fear that I may drool. But I do not have the sense to close it. He inches towards me again making my feet shuffle backwards until my back is flush with the wall, his chest pressed into mine.

                “Peeta.” I whisper. I’m not sure if I begging or starting a sentence, it just seems like the right thing to say.

                “Yeah?”

                The words pass through my mind fast. Am I really fixing to do this? A shudder runs through my body when he places the other hand on my waist and my thoughts scatter into no-man’s land. My fear is overcoming my lust, my want. I can’t control it and the words tumble out of my mouth before I’m able to think of the consequences.

                “I-I…I can’t do this right now.”

                He’s caught off guard and steps back immediately. It’s the same look he gave me that day on the football field: anger and hurt. And then he’s gone before I can think.

                I sag to the floor in a heap. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

 


	7. The Space Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.

** MARCH  **

It’s like its happening all over again. I am in hell.

“Katniss, I swear I could punch you in the face right now.”

“Thanks Jo, I feel loads better.”

I’m sitting on Johanna’s couch a couple of days later trying to cope with the mess I’ve gotten myself into.

“I just don’t get it. What’s the big deal? Why are you so scared?”

“He deserves so much more than I can give him. I just wish he would see it so he can move on!”

“You sell yourself short, Everdeen.” And then she hugs me while I cry.

 

Peeta, it turns out, is quite good at making someone feel invisible. He comes in the morning and leaves before I get there. On the rare occasion that we do cross paths, he simply nods at me. And heaven forbid he as to ask me something about paperwork or orders or even sit in the same office as me for five minutes. His voice is like broken glass and his eyes are always narrowed at me. He is utterly pissed at me. His dad seems to notice and scowls at us, muttering about us being stubborn. He doesn’t give me rides anymore so I’m back to walking or hitching the occasional ride with my other co-workers. I miss it.

To make matters even worse, a particular blonde haired former classmate has started popping up on a daily basis. Cato is persistent, I’ll give him that but I keep turning him down.

Until one night, after work, I let him take me for what he says is “just coffee”. We lean against his car, cardboard cups in hand and enjoy the slightly warmer weather and the clear skies. Cato talks about his dad (a lawyer) and his mom (a pompous “housewife”) and all the lovely things he owns. It turns out, he hasn’t had to work for much in his life. He talks a lot about football and all the stupid things he does when he and his friends are wasted. I manage a weak smile for most of it.

When he presses my body against his brand new black SUV and goes in for a kiss, I let him. I don’t know why I let him do it. My arms hung limply by my side, my head straight forward. I felt nothing.

No, that’s not right. I felt like a complete ass.

On the way home, he talks about a condo his parents own in Florida and how drunk he’s been on the beach. When he drops me off, I insist I can get to the door myself and I do not kiss him again.   

When I’ve tucked myself into bed, I wallow in my misery. _Is this what I’ve come to?_ _A complete moron with money to burn?_  My heart ached so much, I could not ignore it. For the first time ever, I was sure I was selling my short.

 

 

** APRIL **

 

The first of April brings me some relief.

I get a reprieve from Cato’s pop ins. The bakery is swamped usually and I barely have time to even glance at him when he comes in, let alone talk to him.

And I am able to buy my very first car. Granted it’s a decade old and some would consider it an old lady car. But it runs great, has heating and air and a cd player. I am ecstatic about it.  And most of my friends are too.

On the first day I actually drive myself to work, Peeta is flitting about, covered in flour and looking particularly annoyed. “That guy from your school came looking for you today. I told him you wouldn’t be here until later.” And then he stomps to the counter like a little kid.

“Whadya do to piss him off?” Finnick asks.

I sigh “Everything.”

“Not that it’s that hard these days. He is a walking time bomb.”

“It’s been a shitty couple of months Finn.”

“Maybe he doesn’t like your boyfriend. He seems to cringe every time he comes in.”

I frown, “Cato is so not my boyfriend. He just won’t leave me alone.”

“Well, then I think you might have to grow a pair and tell him to fuck off then because he’s walking through the door right now.”

I turn to see Cato waving and smiling at me. I let out a breathe slowly and flick my braid behind my shoulder. _Peeta thinks this guy is my boyfriend?_ I’m offended mostly. I wonder if he has my same anxieties and makes up scenarios in his head? My bullshit tolerance seems to be running low. I’m gonna just go with my instinct on this and take Finnick’s advice.

I don’t give Cato time to say anything. I grab his arm and lead him out to the patio. The air is chilly and my skin reacts immediately.

“Cato, no…just no. You have got to stop bothering me.”

He makes a face. “I’m attempting to woo you, Katniss. You’re a stubborn girl but I’m a patient guy.” He winks at me.

My face pulls a look of disgust. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I am not interested. Never have been. Never will be.”

He reaches to touch my arm, “But, I…” He stumbles, saying something I don’t hear. I’m glancing in the window, my eyebrows knitted together. Peeta is half pretending to ignore me, his nose scrunched up. Finnick is behind him, eyes wide and flinging his hand back forth, saying ‘go on’.

I run my hands over my face. “No. Stop it. Just stop it. Don’t come by my work, don’t call me or text me. Just…” I puff my cheeks, “…fuck off.” And I march back inside, completely satisfied with myself.

I said what I wanted to say and the world didn’t end.

Later, when I tell Jo about it, she applauds. “How did you get so brave?” she asked.

“Please. I was just pissed off.”

“This has nothing to do with Peeta thinking he was your boyfriend? It didn’t fuel it not in the tiniest bit?”

I just stare at her.

“Well since you’re on such a high, why don’t you take care of some other business, huh.” And she winks at me.

 

 

One particularly difficult day, I sat at my desk a whole hour after closing with Jo, reading over the contents of the fat envelope in my drawer. And I cried because that’s all I could think to do. She doesn’t read them, she just sort of sits by me, letting me turn into mush. Random sentences flash before me:

_I lied that day…I’m completely jealous of her…I want to scream I love you but my voice is too weak…I fantasize about you; it leaves me breathless…You are wonderful…Perfect…I love laughing with you…You make me feel radiant…I long for your touches…You showed me your paintings and I felt like I was flying…your hands gripping my hips…I saw the book about me. It gave me hope that it wasn’t too late…I was bursting at the seams when I found out you weren’t with her…Love…You said you’d give me the moon but I don’t need it, all I want is in you…I want you…I get so mad at myself…so much love for you…there is a fire inside me that only you can ignite…you kissed me…I love you more…you touched me and I couldn’t breathe…I want to hold you and tell you everything I feel…My heart hurts for you…Life is too short, dammit…I don’t know why I’m such a coward…I’ve ruined this haven’t I?...I love you so much…_

When I’m done, she holds my hand until we get to my car.

“Do you think this will go away eventually?”

She laughs, “You are one of the smartest people I know but you are completely brainless when it comes to matters of the heart. Love is your kryptonite.”

“Wow, that’s so poetic” and I laugh through the snot blocking my nose.


	8. Fate Intervenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.

**APRIL CONTINUED**  

                The constant thunderstorms we keep having aren’t really helping my mood.  It seems to make Peeta a bit colder too. Prim and my mom ask me what’s wrong a lot. It’s a question I don’t have an answer for. I keep telling myself that it’ll pass eventually, once Peeta finds someone else. This only makes me cry again. I’ve cried a lot in April. Prim tries to remind me of my birthday in a couple of weeks to cheer me up but I wind up with a bland taste in my mouth.

                For the first time in weeks, Peeta and I are closing the shop together since half our staff needed that night off .  Something about nieces and nephews and such in an elementary school play. I think it’s a damn conspiracy to make me crazy but I might be overreacting. It’s a Tuesday which means its dead. And it’s pouring outside, so it’s quiet as a tomb inside the four walls. We go about our nightly chores in silence. He’s icing cupcakes in the back room for the next day and I’m cleaning the floors up front when a loud boom of thunder makes me drop the mop. Then the power flickers off.

                “Shit” I mutter.  I trip over the mop bucket, splashing bleach-y water on the floor and my pants. I huff. _Great, now I’ve ruined my favorite work pants_. I feel my way back to the counter and search for the flashlight we keep under the registers.

                “Hey Katniss?” Peeta calls behind me.

                “Yeah?”

                “Doesn’t dad keep a flashlight back here?”

                “Um, I keep one in my desk if you can find it.”

                I hear him run into something and curse and then run into something else. I knock over a stack of to-go cups before I find the heavy duty flashlight tucked away in a crate of random things. And then I whack my head on the way up. I flick on the light and call to Peeta, “Did you find it?”

                “Um yeah. I found it” he calls back.

                We both tip our flashlights on their ends so it sends a soft glow over the store and go about our business. But an hour until closing, we find ourselves just sitting in the darkness with nothing to do.

                “It doesn’t look like the power is coming back on” he states and he almost sounds like the old Peeta. “I think we should just go home before the storm gets worse.”

                “I think so too.” We gather our things in silence from our pinpoints of light. He locks the door and we make a dash for our cars but I’m drenched anyways.

 

                Peeta is off for the next two days so I get a little break from sulking around. Jo and I tease Delly about her new found crush on a guy named Blight that delivers our baking goods and I help Mr. Mellark look through applications to fill a position for a part-time summer job. Being completely biased I have picked out Rory for the position. On Thursday, Gale comes by to take me to lunch to our favorite diner and tell me the big news. He is completely head over heels in love with Madge.

                In my best tv personality voice I say, “So, Mr. Hawthorne, how does it feel to be another victim of cupid’s arrow?”

                “Well, Miss Everdeen, I’d say it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before!” And then we laugh.

                “Good for you Gale.”

                “It felt so nice, you know, to say it. I feel like I’ve wanted to say it forever. It took everything I have not to just blurt it out.”

                I sip on my root beer float and become jealous that he can say those three magical words outloud.     

 

                I get anxious on Friday morning to see Peeta and quickly scold myself for it. _Remember, you’re not friends anymore_. He never shows though. Instead Mr. Mellark comes in for the closing shift, telling us that Peeta isn’t feeling very well. We go about filling the orders for wedding and birthday cakes to be picked up on Saturday and making up dough to keep up with the weekend rush. Mr. Mellark tells me how excited he is for his middle son Devon  to come pick him up so they can go on a fishing trip that weekend. I giggle at his enthusiasm and assure him he deserves it. I clock out later than I’m scheduled and go to gather my things in the office. Mr. Mellark is punching numbers into his calculator.

                “Oh, Katniss? Peeta told me to give you this. He took it home by accident the other night when the power went out.” He holds out my old beat up flashlight.

                “Oh, thanks.” I take it from his hand to put back in its place.

                He rattles off how he should invest in a generator our maybe an emergency kit as I open up my middle desk drawer. I toss the flashlight in but then stop dead in my tracks. Mr. Mellark’s voice is drowned out by the loud thumping of my heart. I frantically search for the envelope but it’s not there. My body breaks out in a cold sweat and I feel light headed. _No, no. This can’t be happening_. I’m faintly aware of Mr. Mellark asking me if I feel well and I nod my head yes, I think. I tell him a rushed goodbye before finding Jo, taking loaves of cheese buns out of the oven.

                “See you later, Kat-“

                I clutch her arm, “They’re gone.”

                “What’s gone?”

                “The letters. They’re gone.”

                Her eyes are wide, “Who took them?”

                “The other night when the power went out. Peeta grabbed my flashlight…”

                She finishes “…that’s in the same drawer as your secrets.” She sets down the tray, “ But Peeta wouldn’t take them…would he?”

                I bite my lip, “Jo his name was scrawled all over those sheets of paper. Even if he just glanced inside, I’m sure he could see that.”

                “Holy shit Katniss. It’s been three days! He’s had them for three whole days!”

                I can’t keep up with my breathing pattern. I clutch the wall for support. Jo keeps saying “breathe in, breathe out”.

                After a few minutes, I tell her I’m okay. I’m lying of course. I make my feet move towards the door. She calls after me, “What are you going to do Katniss?”

                “I have no clue.” And I’m out the door.

                I drive slowly. What does it matter how fast I drive really. If he has them I’m sure he’s read them. Every feeling I’ve had over almost a year. My palms are clammy on the steering wheel. Maybe he doesn’t have them. Maybe I’ve misplaced them. _Yeah, right_ I think. As I pull onto his road, the rain comes down in sheets. And when I shut off the car in his driveway, the thunder is deafening. I bang the back of my skull on the headrest, hoping it will knock some sense into me. _What am I going to say? Why did I keep those stupid things at work? Well, because Prim is a snoop, is why. Could I just leave town?_ I laugh at the last thought. That only happens in movies.

                I get out of the car but make no quick move to get to the basement door. I am soaked through by the time my hand rises to knock. He opens the door wordlessly, looks at me up and down and then walks away leaving the door open. The gesture is so unfriendly that I feel my stomach tighten. I think I’m going to vomit.

                I walk in and look around, unable to figure out where he’s gone. I slip off my  
shoes and socks, making a ‘splat’ sound when they land on the floor. He appears from his room, a stack of clothing in hand. He thrust them forward without a word and turns to sit on the couch. His eyes do not meet mine; he instead trains them on the television in front of him. I escape into his bathroom to change. My bra and panties are soaked too. I can’t bring myself to wear Peeta’s clothes without any underwear. I open the bi-fold doors that occupy one side of the bathroom to the washer and dryer, throwing my undergarments into the dryer for a few minutes. I’m lying to myself of course. I just want to give myself time. I pull a towel from under the sink and pat my body dry. I undo my braid, ruffling my hair in the fluffy white towel, and then braid it back. Then I stare at myself in the mirror for a long time, psyching myself up. And then I bang my forehead against the wall.  I spread the towel on the floor and sit there, naked, listening to the tumble of the dryer. A whole ten minutes pass before I can muster the strength to pull on my white cotton bra (which is still a bit damp) and my panties. I pull the athletic shorts on my hips, tying the drawstring tight and then slipping on an old gym shirt I remember him having in high school.

                I look at myself in the mirror again. “Shit’s about to get real, Katniss” I tell myself and then I turn and open the door.

                I can delay no longer.

 


	9. When We Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.

Peeta has always been a very calm person. But right now, he’s so calm, it’s scaring me.

                He sits on the couch sipping coffee. He doesn’t even flinch when I sit down beside him. I find a cup for me on the coffee table. He has always gotten my coffee right; no sugar, vanilla creamer poured in until it’s the color of caramel. I sip slowly, flitting my eyes sideways to steal a glance. After a few sips, my eyes land on the crinkled stack of papers on the arm of the couch. My letters. I start to sweat immediately. I think he notices that I see them but still remains unmoved. I take a few more sips. I go through several opening words in my head but none of them really make sense. I take a few more sips still. I chew on my lip. I decide to just say something.

                “Peeta…” I squeak.

                “I was sorry I took them at first, you know” he interrupts.

                I set my cup down, folding my hands in my lap.

                “But after I read them, I wasn’t sorry anymore.” He puts down his cup, turning his body towards me. “I’ve read them a hundred times just because I thought I was making it up in my head. Everything I read made me feel…just so much. It’s more than I could dream. You want me, you love me…you fantasize about me. I thought my head was going to explode.”

                I stand up suddenly, too embarrassed to be close to him. I walk across the room, my back to him.

                “Why did you lie? Why would you do that to me?” His voice is a little shaky.

                “Because…” but I choke.

                “Because why Katniss? Just say it!” He is behind me suddenly, standing a few feet away.

                I turn to face him, my voice is low and squeaky, “Because you are perfect and I’m not. Because I’m an emotional wreck and you are so well put together. Because…” I sigh, “look at you. You’re so very, very handsome and I look like I belong in a gutter somewhere. You deserve some one so much more…” And I lower my voice even more, “…than me.”

                He looks angry. “Why…why….what?  You, Katniss Everdeen, are fucking delusional. You are the perfect one for me. You are you and that is all I ever wanted. Just you. With me.”

                He takes a step towards me but I step back.

                “Katniss...I am so hopelessly in love with you it hurts. And I just knew deep down, somewhere, you loved me too. I have never given up hope it was there. And now I know. I know that you love me. Please don’t hide it from me anymore…” He trails off. He looks like I do when the words get all jumbled in my head.

                I’m trying not to cry, but I can feel it rising in my eyes, blurring my vision. I can’t keep hurting him like this because, in all honesty, it’s killing me. I don’t want to listen to my brain anymore, its rubbish now anyways. What good has it done me? My stomach is such an unreliable source with its constant knots. I am frantic to pull myself together. I dig deep into the warmth that is slowly spreading across my chest. I pull from my heart the only thing that resides there now...love. I consume myself with it. And I suddenly know what to do. I am so sure of it, that my knees steady and I let the few tears fall so that I may see the man in front of me clearly. He looks beaten down.  He loves me and I love him, and here in my heart it makes perfect sense.

                I am to him in one stride, my lips crashing to his, my arms flung around his neck. He matches my passion without any hesitation. Our tongues dance together, finding a rhythm so easily; two friends who know each other too well.  His hands clutch my hair and I shudder at the movement. My hands begin to roam over his back, his chest, his waist. His do too, over my breasts and my backside, gripping my hips. Soon it is not enough. I need more.

                I raise his shirt up and over his head, so swiftly I surprise myself.  He quickly does the same. His mouth moves along my jawline, bringing sounds from my lips I never knew existed. He fumbles with the clasp on my bra, but only for second to reveal my breasts. His hands cover them, letting a moan slip against my throat.

                “Bedroom?” I ask breathlessly.

                He nods against my collarbone, lifting me, guiding my legs around his waist. His erection settles in between my legs as he carries me and I can’t help but bite my lip. Our frantic undressing returns once he has set me down, the backs of my knees touching the bed. When he’s down to his boxers and I am left in nothing but my panties, we stop and just stare, both our chests heaving, inches from one another. Every image I have created in my head cannot prepare me for what I’m actually seeing right now. My fingertips lightly brush over his shoulders and down his arms and then to his stomach and hips and back over his chest. He closes his eyes and sighs softly as I run my fingers through the wavy hair at the back of his head. He places his hands on my hips again.

                “I feel like this is a dream. Is this real?”

                I kiss him softly and then lean to his ear, “Real.” And then I slide my lips down his chest, his stomach and plant kisses along the elastic of his underwear as I sit on the edge of his bed. I pull myself fully onto his navy comforter with my elbows and he follows suit, settling above me and devouring my neck and chest once again.

                We seem to no longer have a concept of time. I try to take in every little thing that happens: the way his eyes fall back into his head when I half pull his boxers down and tease with my mouth and hands; the sound he makes when I push my hips to his; the shudder that runs through him when he runs his fingers over the moist crotch of my panties; the smirk that forms on his lips when he finally dips his hand inside the cotton and I gasp; and the sheer excitement we both feel when he, finally, tears open the little foil packet from his bedside table.

                He rocks into me gently at first. Our kisses are slow and thick with need. But it changes when he hikes my thighs up higher and our lips become sloppy. I squeak when I feel an unfamiliar pressure building inside of me.  Something I have never experienced except by my own hand. It’s too much. I become almost primal as I push his shoulder over, guiding him with my hips to turn over. A shiny sweat has begun to cling to our bodies making them glide together effortlessly. His hands grip my bare ass, urging me on, trying to match my frantic pace. I’m mumbling ‘oh gods’ back to back, letting his name slip in between. And when I feel my insides tightening into a warm fuzzy blur, he rises to meet me, capturing my scream in his mouth and letting it flow over his tongue. I’m limp and wobbly but his hands steer me on until finally he finishes, shouting my name into my tangled mess of hair.

                We sit there for seconds, minutes, hours, days…I really have no idea. Our hearts are thrumming against one another and that’s all I care about at the moment. But eventually, we get up and walk hand in hand and naked to the bathroom to clean ourselves up. And we laugh at each other because it’s awkward. And because we are both happy.

 

                When the morning light comes after the few hours we slept and he has found me an extra toothbrush and screwed me in the shower and washed my clothes and gotten me coffee, I say it. Because I desperately want him to hear it from my lips instead of reading it in my sloppy scrawled handwriting.

                “I love you, Peeta.”

                He kisses me on the corner of my mouth, letting his lips linger there, “I love you too, Katniss. So very, very much.”

                I shuffle my love letters to him back into order as I finish my coffee. I slip them into his nightstand drawer as he smirks at me. They’re his now. They always have been. Kind of like my heart always has been.

               


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU. Katniss Everdeen turned away from her best friend, Peeta Mellark after he confessed his love for her in high school. Now he's back from college. Katniss isn't so good at keeping her cool this time. Fluffy goodness and slightly OOC because you know, nobody's being speared in an arena . My first chapter story.

** TWO YEARS LATER: MAY **

                I walked slowly towards the grapevine arch, along a slate pathway. Yellow, aqua and orange flowers of any species fitting that description were everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Flickering candles lined the aisle and hung from the branches of the mature oak that hung over the arch. The sun was just setting, making everything take on a rosy glow. The melody the string quartet played echoed over the audience as they all watched me descend to stand with the others. I clutch the bouquet for dear life, afraid it will slip through my clammy hands. My eyes flit to the people I walk towards until they land on Peeta’s. The smile on his face is encouraging and it makes me smile even bigger. And then he winks at me.

                As I join the ranks, a row of yellow chiffon with bodies underneath, the bridal march begins to play. My eyes pull from Peeta and to the stunning bride walking towards us now. Madge is the picture perfect bride on the arm of her father. Her grin is genuine and her stare does not waiver from Gale. I glance at him. He’s smiling like an idiot…an idiot in love. A look I am quite practiced in.

                After her dad hands her over and she hands me her bouquet, I get lost in my own thoughts. I remember their first date and when Gale told me he was in love with her. I remembered helping them move into their very own apartment and gushing over Madge’s ring when he popped the question at her surprise birthday party last year. It was a fairy tale love story.

                My eyes wander to Peeta’s again. He’s staring at me.

                It is a difficult thing for me to fathom why I held out so long on him now. I can’t really imagine where I would be if he didn’t find my letters. My life has definitely been on an upswing since then.

                We bought a house together that fall after our “come-to-Jesus” talk (as Peeta calls it). I finished school that following spring and started very low on the ladder at a marketing company. I got to work at home a lot but I missed being away from Peeta for any amount of time. So he spruced up the back office in the bakery and now I work there. It’s nice to have a kiss or a slap on the butt at any given time. I still do the clerical and ordering for the bakery too. I think I would feel lost if I didn’t have something to do there.

                I’m brought back to reality as Madge and Gale say ‘I do’ and kiss as the new Mr. and Mrs. Gale Hawthorne. Everyone cheers loud, particularly me. And then I am escorted back down the aisle by Rory and into the long process of picture taking.

 

                The reception is just what you would expect from a video game store owner and rebellious sheriff’s daughter: drinks, loud music, drinks, wings and sliders, drinks, a photobooth and an impromptu game of _Rock Band_ on a projector screen with drinks. I cling to Peeta all night, taking in all the lovey-dovey couples dancing and laughing. I do let go of him for a duet of “Bohemian Rhapsody” with my little sister. But she soon finds herself back to Rory. They are a lovely couple, so obviously smitten with one another. I miss her these days. Both Prim and Rory got into Capitol State College and are currently living together in sin. A situation I wanted to protest but Peeta told me I didn’t really have any room to talk.

                Eventually, the DJ starts up again and Peeta pulls me out to the floor to dance to a slow song. I sing softly in his ear.

                “This isn’t so bad is it?” he asks as another song starts up.

                “What?”

                “The wedding” he answers.

                “Peeta…” I say, threatening.

                “I’m just asking.”

                I narrow my eyes at him. While he’s only mentioned it a few times over the past couple of years, it’s obvious he would like to get married now rather than later. I usually change the subject but tonight with a slight buzz and my heart over filled with joy, I seriously contemplate it.  “No,” I answer finally, “it’s not so bad.” And _then_ I change the subject.

                After we’ve seen the newlyweds off in a sea of sparklers, we head back to our hotel room, my heels in my hand. I am exhausted beyond comprehension, but when he lazily pushes me against the door after it closes, I am suddenly full of energy.

                “I like you in yellow” he breaths into my ear.

                “I like you naked” I breathe back. I push his jacket off his shoulders, unbutton his vest and unravel his bowtie as he kicks off his shoes. His fingers hastily bring the zipper down on the back of my dress and it cascades to the floor. His lips land hot and wet along the line of my strapless bra as he unhooks it, letting it join my dress. He smothers my neck in kisses as I go back to work on his shirt, satisfied when I can press our bare chests together. My hands work quickly to get his slacks and boxers off before our lips meet again. I push him back slightly in an attempt to make it towards the bed. But we don’t. We only make it to the fancy five star desk before he is turning me around and I am clutching the edges, facing the wall. He wastes no time getting started. His hips make a delicious slap against my ass as he finds a rhythm.

                Somewhere in between the panting and thrusting and moaning, we do find our way to the bed, collapsing. We lay there enjoying the sweet bliss of mind-blowing hotel sex, holding each other. He twists a tendril of hair around his finger over and over again.

                “Hey Katniss?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Let’s get married.”

                I sit up on my elbow to stare at him. I scrunch my nose up and let out a sigh.

                “You’re not changing the subject….” He says slowly and quietly, like he’s trying not to frighten me.

                I think about it for a moment. I always preached about not getting married until I was sure. I wanted to be sure that not one shred of me felt like it was a bad idea. I used to be terrified of being a wife really, just because I’m so awkward to be around. But now it’s sort of a nervous thing. I think nervous is much better than blatant terror. And a lot of that has to do with Peeta. His love is unconditional. I know within the dark depths of my heart that Peeta is the one for me and I want to make him happy. It seems that becoming Mrs. Mellark would make him happiest of all.

                So I moisten my lips and I say, “You know, that sounds like a good idea.”

                His eyes are wide. I know what he’s going to say then. The same thing he says when things seem too good to be true. The same question he asked when we made love the first time. It’s almost like a game now. “You’re going to be my wife. Real or not real?”

                I can’t contain my smile, “Real.”

               


End file.
